I JUST GOT MUGGED

[darry]

Right. I'm a die-hard Chelsea fan. Watched the FA Cup Final. Had a great time (apart from the first 25 minutes). Thought to myself, "what a wonderful day!" Went to my friend's house and had a lovely barbecue, followed by a good game of poker and a few beers. Great stuff. Left his house, made for the bus stop, only 20 minutes home, I thought, great night, I thought.

3 tossers (I believe I can say that) on bicycles decide to ruin my evening. Robbed my phone, my cash and my Oyster card. OK, so the Oyster ain't that bad. And the phone is only a bit of tech, so not too bad. But I had so many SODDING LOVELY messages from the people I love on that bit of BLOODY tech, and those TWATS just stole it.

I'm an optimist, and a believer in the kindness and togetherness of our society, but these HORRIBLE, SELFISH TOSSERS just make me so ANGRY. And I do not advocate violence, but if anyone sees them, please PUNCH THEM IN THEIR PATHETIC FACES, AND TELL THEM TO ROT IN BEDLAM FOR THE REST OF THEIR WORTHLESS EXISTENCES.

loves.

*sigh*

</rant>

[darry]

P.S. "loves" was written as something slightly more vulgar. You can guess.

[darry]

Still, slightly surprised that I could get away with "TWATS". That at least made me smile a bit.

darry out.

[helen]

I think it's because it was capital letters. That really does suck ass though. Did they hit you? I hope not. I have never been mugged fortunately but I have a crippling fear of it, particularly of getting hit in the facials.

[darry]

Nah, they didn't hit me, one guy kept saying "Shut up mate or I'll stab you up" but it was blatantly all talk. They were pretty young, just arseholes really. Also, it turns out that if you try and tell a police officer about this kind of thing on the street at night, they automatically assume you're lying. Although, in their defence, I was a little drunk (not too bad) and wearing a feetball shirt. I wouldn't have trusted me either. Very helpful on the phone this morning though.

[helen]

The only time I ever had cause to report something to police they tried to imply I was lying and then confiscated my jumper anyway, supposedly for "DNA evidence" but I am entirely sure that they just did it to punish me for wasting their time. And I wasn't drunk, I was sober and it was daytime and they were in my kitchen. Plonkers.

[Anthony]

That's brown poo.

I've never been mugged, so I'm convinced that I'd be able to talk my way out of it, or at least get them to let me keep my cards and id. Sadly it'll probably see me stabbed when it does happen.

[Jon]

Wouldn't it be funny if all the police had masturbated into your jumper? Because that's what they did.

Darry, that's a terrible thing that happened. I hope you can get a new and better phone, and a similar if not identical oyster card. We need to find a loophole in the law of proboards where you're allowed to use the C-word when talking about muggers who have mugged you.

[darry]

I did actually manage to get them to leave my wallet, driving license, cards etc. Pretty pleased about that. Well, 'pleased' is a strong word, but you know what I mean!

[partylikearockstar]

That sucks.

My friend's friend got mugged the other night and he cried so much and cut such a pathetic figure that the muggers sat down with him on the pavement and let him have a cigarette back. It's quite sweet, in a way.

[Jon]

My Santa Claus. Is that true? That's actually the best story.

[mcilwaine]

partylikearockstar

If that's true it could be the greatest mugging defence ever. Adopt the foetal position and sob your heart out whilst murmering "noth the face, not the face"

[partylikearockstar]

The same guy told me how he once got punched in the face by Phil Mitchell in a nightclub in Falmouth. He said he'd spent the night following round asking him who was looking after Ben. I'd have punched him too, I think.